ughhhhhhhhhh!

ugh! i am such a spaz. it's been almost a year since i posted anything here. i have to give credit to kate for giving me a much-needed virtual kick in the booty to start blogging again. her blog is pretty darn funny, spiritual, sweet, emotional, snarky, intelligent, and all-around eminently readable. so go visit her, but be sure you don't forget *me*.

today was seriously stressy. it was a wonderful day, a fabulous day, and a stressy day. kind of a bizarre combination. the wonderful part was this morning, watching j play tee ball - he did well, and it was a beautiful day, so all was good. then i had to dash-drag the children to the store to pick up birthday presents for the party we were going to this afternoon, and dash-drag them back to the field to watch another game, then dash-drag to mcd's (which i really did not, not, not want to eat lunch at but in a democracy, the most votes wins, and it was us and two other families, so i lost big-time), then dash-drag over to my friend's house, then dash to the bowling alley in petersburg (over an hour from OUR house).......and therein began the stressy part!

i am now convinced my sweet little girl c is absolutely demon possessed. there can be no other explanation for her. NONE. how else to explain why my sweet lil' prisspot would suddenly take off and determine that she, not i, was in control of The World Around Her, and to try to crash every single bowling alley lane's game? no sooner had we arrived, she was off like a shot, grabbed a 12 pound ball (yes, 12 pounds), and began doing a duck-waddle toward the nearest lane, ball held perilously somewhere between her midriff and her thighs, descending ever lower with each step.

when i gently corrected her, she gave me the Chucky Look. this was to become a recurring theme of our Afternoon At The Alley, with her misadventures becoming ever more dangerous, and my corrections becoming ever less-gentle. j, meanwhile, is off merrily playing with his friends, only stopping periodically to demand of me why the bowling alley People are not Doing Their Jobs and getting his shoes to him. i should also point out that there were approximately 75 people at this "small party," about 75% of which were children 8 and younger. IT....WAS....LOUD.

so there's my little demoness, scampering hither and yon, creating chaos. as an example.

me: *talking to my friend* *looks up to spot where c was one nanosecond before, said spot is now empty* "oh crap! hang on, hang on, where is..." *begins looking*
c: *maniacal giggle, as she flees toward a rack of balls*
me: "no! no honey! NO! PUT THE BALL DOWN!!!!"
c: *maniacal giggle as she hefts a one-ton ball onto her hip and tries to scamper as well as one can scamper when carrying a ball one-third one's own weight*
me: "PUT THE BALL DOWN" (in the mommy death voice)
c: *stops, ponders briefly, decides mommy won't enforce death threats in a crowded alley* *scampers again*
me: *briefly considers the fact that yes, it is possible to be Pushed Over The Edge*

that was replayed several times during the long afternoon. after finally bribing c into sitting still for more than 2 seconds by giving her a hot dog (yes, i know i shouldn't bribe her with food, all kinds of future issues there, but this was after 2 hours of navigating a packed saturday-afternoon bowling alley with three consecutive birthday parties going on and her determined to create as much chaos as POSSIBLE), i got into a convo with my friend r about parenting - she has a child about the same age as c, so we trade war stories - and she said, very thoughtfully, "y'know, i can understand how some parents just snap." and we had a really good convo about that. and it's true. as she said, it's amazing how someone THEIR size can have such an emotionally stressing influence on someone OUR size.

but yes, i can understand how mommies and daddies snap. yank an arm too hard, slap a bottom too many times, too hard, hit when they oughtn't, shout when they shouldn't...but i think the difference isn't in who does or doesn't feel those things. it's in who does or doesn't do something about those feelings. she and i have both made the conscious choices that sometimes you have to back away, go into another room, and regroup.

sometimes, you have to force yourself to be adult.

even when you don't particularly want to.

even when it'd be easier to just cave to the tempest of the moment, and let a hand fly.

so yes, i bit back my animal impulses at the bowling alley. yes, i ignored how tired i was. yes, i cheered endless times for my babies' efforts. and yes, above all else, i picked up my little girl in the middle of one of her "it's my turn, not her turn" tantrums, and i kissed her, and i told her i loved her.

because i do.