late at night

late at night, and i can't sleep. both babies are at mom's - i came home, went out to a nice dinner with m at anna's pizza - v gave me free tiramisu as a celebratory dessert in anticipation of friday :o) bless his heart. sweet man.

then we came home and i went into a hot bath for about 45 minutes, just relaxing, reading, soaking, and trying to clear my mind of everything –

watched a movie with m - rare that we have that chance, so it was nice - and it was a very poignant movie - "million dollar baby" - i was pleasantly surprised at a) the lack of bad language (only a little here and there) and b) the amazingly heart-rending plot line. got me to thinking again (ugh)... about what our purposes are in life - and how we find those purposes. about how everything truly is pre-ordained for us, and we’re here just to try to do our very best to find that path and follow it to the best of our ability – to calmly and gently find those choices and fulfill them. then i watched an episode of law and order to try to clear my mind of THAT movie - did some laundry - and tucked away into bed. lay there for 30 minutes, tossing and turning, and finally gave up and got back up and came in here. i can't make my eyes close. i just can't. i'm tired, yes - my eyes are itching with that - but i cannot sleep - it's like i'm a live wire, and every inch of me that is touching anything has to get off it as quickly as possible.

started thinking about friday – for those of you who don’t know, or who are stumbling across this blog in the wild wonderland of the internet, i’m having a cochlear implant surgery friday. lot of well wishers have been talking to me today and tonight - and i can honestly say i'm not nervous, not even now, so close to the surgery. not nervous at all - just more....i don't know. anticipatory, to be sure - but there's more to it. just a sensation that everything is going to change because, really, it will - i don't think i will change so much, but just my perceptions of everything else will probably change because i'll have a deeper sensation of it. it’s a unusual situation because i’m the sort who is very much accustomed to understanding and being able to plan for every situation possible – and this is something that just just impossible to plan for on any level, I think, simply because it’s truly a unknown. and i can't stop thinking about friday - i play it through in my mind, how they have said it'll go, from arrival at the hospital till discharge, and i just keep going over it and over it, and then i start thinking about the activation date approximately 3 weeks post op, and then i think about what i'll think about all the new sounds, what they will be like, what i will do with all this new information :o) and all kinds of things. it's just a kind of... you know how when you were a kid, and you tried and tried to fall asleep on christmas eve and you never could? it's like that - only worse! :o) i started this blog so i could keep everyone updated all at once with my thoughts, impressions, and experiences, both before, during, and after this whole experience. i think it’ll prove to be both informative and cathartic to write about everything – writing always has been my way of working through things, so this is old hat to me.

to those of you who are coming along for the ride – thanks :o)